What to do about Bert #1

Over ten years ago, my sister and brother-in-law went to a fundraising auction for one of their son's preschools. While there, they bought Bert - he's over four feet tall and was once used as a photographer's prop, I believe. Instead of keeping Bert, they gave him to me (for obvious reasons). Bert has lived in at least two apartments and one house with us.



Since the day Bert first set one of his over-sized, brown-and-white shoes inside our door, my wife has wanted him out. Years of arguments have finally convinced me that, for the good of my marriage, Bert has got to go. However, I am having trouble deciding exactly what to do with him. Below is a list of possibilities I have come up with so far:



1. A Viking funeral (put Bert into a boat or canoe, set him on fire, and launch him onto Lake Washington)

2. Bonfire/cremation (on land)

3. List Bert on Craig's List for free



Here's the problems as I see them -- options 1 and 2 have serious environmental and legal drawbacks; options 3 puts me into close proximity with lots and lots of weirdos.



That's why I have decided to turn to you, the many loyal readers of Ape Canyon News Service, to help decide what to do with Bert. Please leave suggestions in the comments section of this posting, or contact the editor directly at yonsosa@gmail.com with your suggestions. If anybody can come up with a better suggestion than mine, they will have the honor of knowing they have helped restore peace and tranquility to my home.



Look carefully! You will find him!